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hannah montana

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i have my normal life.. and i have my tumblr life. i'm like fucking hannah montana.

i sit, face down to reflect, and think... why. why can't i be like the artists in movies, wearing black and clothes that don't match my body? smoke and drink because i don't care if i die from it? where they live in their feelings, succumb to the beauty and motions of everything in everyday life become part of a tornado... ?

but then i would lose connection to real life. the internet is like that. there's a different sense of 'real' life. words are written to express thoughts, drawings are spilled to represent an idea. i use art and the internet to express my inner self.. because i cannot in real life. i'm afraid to let loose in real life. only those really close to me are both lucky and unfortunate to live with my volatile state .. sometimes. not always.

i choose to live my life separated, like Gemini. so that i won't lose myself forever. so i won't lose strength to return and reflect in reality. i choose to not live life as a dreamer. i don't trust myself.. i'm afraid of being wrong. i'm afraid of not seeing clearly.
so i guess i'll continue to be an artist at heart, behind my social doings, behind my 'normal' adequately interesting body.

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